The Good News…and the Bad News…and the Good News…and...

When my sister Becky called me last May and said the two of us now belong to the same club (Breast Cancer), I had no words. All I could do was cry as she told me of her diagnosis that day, and that it was in her lymph nodes, and now what? We spent hours on the phone every day as she made it through tests and scans and consultations and the mind melting process (where you feel like you are drinking water out of a firehouse) of trying to get answers and figure out what to do next but you never can get an answer that tells you exactly what it will take to make this all go away. And then she went over every concern about telling Mom that another one of her children had cancer, then telling the other siblings.

In June my sister Jennifer skyped me from Australia and said she had good news and bad news. When she said that the good news is that her breast cancer was not in her lymph nodes I managed to find a word. After I screamed it for about 10 seconds I moved on to the crying and listening to what was next.

Good news – Skype.

I am really grateful the three of us could be on Skype at the same time to share what was happening, and support each other through it.

Bad news – some of the treatments Jennifer needed were not readily available in Australia.

Good news – Jennifer was able to return to Utah for additional treatment. All three of us were able to have some time together while she and Becky were going through treatment.

Bad news – How to tell Mom that nearly 12 years after Dad died of cancer, three of her daughters are fighting breast cancer.

Good news – Mom is tougher than any of us can imagine. And when we have room for miracles, they are there to get us through. Thank you Dad, for being so near.

Bad news – Becky had a type of cancer that had mutated.

Good news – Becky is married to a great radiologist, and has friends who are great doctors, who spoke very frankly with her about her options. There are treatments available now that can work on this mutation.

Bad news – Becky had cancer in her primary and secondary lymph nodes.

Good news – Beyond the tumor and lymph nodes, there was no sign of cancer anywhere else in her body.

Bad news – Chemotherapy sucks. There is no other way to put it. It hurts, makes you sick, fries your brain, takes all energy, kills your hair, destroys your skin, takes over your life, the one it is supposed to help you keep.

Good news – Sometimes, the chemo really does what it is supposed to do… kill the cancer.

Bad news – Becky had to go through 5 months of intensive chemotherapy before having surgery.

Good news – It worked.

Bad news – It was hard for family members to find out 3 of us had cancer.

Good news – I have the most amazing family. My kids and nieces and nephews have handled this well, and are paying attention to what it could mean for their health. My siblings and in-laws overwhelm me. Their patience, love, prayers, understanding, just being there, is beyond what I could have hoped for.

Bad news – It was hard for my adult kids to hear about my diagnosis. But Becky and Jennifer have younger kids at home. I can’t imagine.

Good news – We have a heritage in our family of knowing that the prayers of children have an impact on all of us.

Bad news – The week I stopped taking the cancer medication because the side effects had become intolerable, was the same week I had to have surgery to remove a basal cell tumor from my eyelid.

Good news – The surgeon was able to remove the tumor and reconstruct my eyelid without needing to do a skin graft.

Bad news – I look at my left eye and see evidence of the surgery (scars and no lashes on the lower lid).

Good news – Mike says he can’t see any difference. But I think that is because he has male pattern blindness.

Bad news – Lots of medical bills, deductibles, patient payments.

Good news – We all have insurance and excellent medical care.

Bad news – It is a terrible, frightening thing to hear that your wife has breast cancer.

Good news – My sisters and I have husbands who take this fight on, each in their own way. Bless them.

Now I will concentrate on the good.

What a journey this has been, and will be.

I would have given anything to be able to take this away from my sisters, and go through treatment in their place. But I have seen everyone in the family share the burdens in whatever way they can. When Becky went to get her head shaved before her hair fell out, Mike and I were invited to come and take pictures. Her husband Jordan got a sympathy head shave, and Mom and other sisters were watching it on skype. It was a community event. Becky was laughing as we cheered her on. When I suddenly walked out because I didn’t want to cry in front of her, Jordan comforted me. What a guy.

My daughter Charlotte was training for a marathon during all this, and decided she wanted to run one dedicated to us. She dreamed of crossing the finish line and seeing the three of us there.

But she didn’t know if that would work with how Becky was feeling and when I might be in Utah, and when Jennifer would be done and returning to Australia. But when she ran it, we were all there. She wore a shirt that said "Running for 2nd base, because my mom and my aunts fight like girls". Becky had rested up so she was able to cheer Charlotte on part way through the course, and be at the finish line with me, holding a balloon bouquet. Charlotte worked and trained hard, and took on something that required enduring through something difficult, to show love, empathy and support for us.

I am so grateful for her. It was a bit of a love fest at the finish line.

When Jennifer was in the hospital after surgery, Becky and I were there with her on a Sunday. I asked at the nurses station if there was a chapel in the hospital where I could attend sacrament meeting. Right then a couple showed up to bring the sacrament to those who wanted it. When they came into the room and the husband began preparing the bread and water, the wife gave a message about the healing power of Christ’s love. I felt as if the bread and water were spreading throughout my body, bringing peace. It was a moment of grace in the midst of difficult pain and worry.

On the day of Becky’s surgery, after she had completed 6 rounds of chemo, she asked that only Jordan be at the hospital with her. The hope was that the chemo had shrunk the tumor, and hopefully diminished the cancer in the sentinel and secondary lymph nodes. Mom and I were at one of our rental properties, painting some rooms. We called and spoke with Jordan several times, up to when Becky was taken into surgery. It was hard to stay away, but we estimated how long it would be before surgery was over, and the tissue tested, and results known. I had to keep Mom (and myself as well) occupied to keep from pacing, or freaking out. Then Jordan called. No cancer cells in the tissue or lymphs nodes. The chemo had done its job. Her oncologist calls it “extraordinary results”. If you are going to be invited to be a part of a medical study, you want it to be for that reason.

I will always be grateful for the moments where Becky or Jennifer and I would hold each other, bless each other, and pray together. When we would share our pain, our fears, and believe each other when we promised we would make it through this, no matter how things turned out, and we would be there for each other, and those we love.

The Good News: I never know how miracles, help, strength, answers, grace or love will come in my life, or to those I love. Sometimes it comes with the ability to endure for one more day, to find hope in a moment after I felt none, to suddenly be overwhelmed with love and sweet memory of one who is gone, to have someone unexpectedly be there to help or comfort, to feel connected with something that is stronger than death, to have faith. Sometimes, there is miraculous healing.

The Good News wins.

Not A Piece of Chewed Gum...and Happy Day to Heavenly Mother

Mother’s Day is coming up. I am fortunate to be able to call, speak with and try to honor several mothers on this day.

My own mother, who is a saint, even though she doesn’t want anyone to help her even in her 80^th year, and that drives me nuts. But I am so grateful for her, who she is, what she teaches me, and that she is such a huge part of my life, and those of countless others.

My mother-in-law, who has always been loving, kind, generous and very accepting of me. I am most grateful to her for her part in raising such a wonderful person as my husband.

And I always think on and send extra communication to my Heavenly Mother. I am grateful that I have been taught, and known of her since teenage years, and sensed her even longer. I have always embraced the part of LDS doctrine, and yes, it has been a part of our doctrine since the early days of the church, that lets us know we come from Heavenly Parents, who are as much a part of each other as a couple can be.

Even though church members are all over the place in our ability to acknowledge and appreciate her as an equal partner with Heavenly Father, I think that has more to do with our own cultural traditions, and is something we need to look beyond in order to receive greater light and knowledge. I especially appreciate actions such as a recent historical survey done by “BYU Studies” that found over 600 references to Heavenly Mother by church leaders. Here is a link if you want to download the survey… https://byustudies.byu.edu/showTitle.aspx?title=8669

I highly recommend it.

I love this part of the introduction…

“Contrary to criticism in some quarters, Church leaders have not relegated this deity to a confined role. Statements from the late 1840s onward show that leaders and influential Latter-day Saints have explored her roles as a fully divine being, a creator of worlds with the Father, a coframer of the plan of salvation, and a concerned and involved parent of her children on earth.”

So I look for ways to honor my Heavenly Mother, especially at this time. This is a tough time for me as a mother. My mother’s heart aches and rejoices as I see my children try to find their way in a world that can be dangerous and painful, as well as wonderful and thrilling and joyful. I have learned from my Heavenly Parents that, no matter how much I love and reach out to my children, no matter how precious they are to me, they are infinitely more precious to Them.

I think every mother goes through a time when she needs to let go of all the ways she imagined her childrens’ lives would look, then acknowledge the ways they are making their own life journey, and love them wherever they are. I have looked to my Heavenly Parents as I learn to do this. 

I imagine how Heavenly Mother’s heart aches when she sees any of us turn away from Her, or doubt ourselves, and how She and Heavenly Father will never give up on reaching out to each of us, and wanting us to return, and that She loves us, no matter where we are on that journey. She loves us now.

So when I read about Elizabeth Smart speaking about why she did not try to run after being kidnapped and repeatedly raped, my mother’s heart ached, and I can only imagine how Heavenly Mother must have felt seeing her daughter Elizabeth struggle with these feelings in the midst of the most horrific circumstances.

Here is a quote from a Salt Lake Tribune article by Peggy Fletcher Stack about Elizabeth Smart…

“Kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart made national headlines this week by saying that she didn’t try to escape from her captors because she felt like a "chewed-up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away."

Having been repeatedly raped, Smart told a Johns Hopkins human-trafficking forum, it was "easy ... to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value. Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value."

She said she had heard the chewed gum analogy from a school teacher. I was fortunate to have never had that kind of object lesson thrown in my face, but I heard similar analogies from many sources – school, church, friends, movies and T.V., advertisements. These need to end.

And the scriptural references that equate virtue with virginity, and suggest that rape or assault can rob you of your virtue are hard to sort into the realm of cultural phrases and ignorance if there isn’t an immediate discussion about it.

Virtue is about personal choice and agency, about our ability to turn towards God, and about being Christlike. No one can rob anyone of that. Do not confuse it, or encourage anyone else to confuse it with the abuse that can occur due to circumstance or the actions of others. Ever.

Here is more from Stack’s article about Elizabeth Smart…

“For Smart, comfort came partly in the form of a "blessing," or healing prayer, by the late LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley, who assured her that she was not responsible for anything that had happened to her when she was being controlled by her captors.

That is in line with LDS teachings, according to church spokeswoman Ruth Todd.

"Victims of rape, incest, or other sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. If you have been a victim of any of these crimes, know that you are innocent and that God loves you," reads a church pamphlet, For the Strength of Youth.”

I am glad Elizabeth was able to receive that comfort, and return to parents who had never stopped searching for her. My heart aches for those who have not found comfort, or loving arms.

I was sexually assaulted by a stranger when I was a child, before I had heard any type of “chewed gum” analogy. I still struggled with feelings of shame. I was also comforted by the unconditional love and acceptance of my parents. And I found comfort and healing in many moments of divine grace over the years. I have come to realize that whatever evil happened at the hands of that stranger, it would be a greater evil for anyone to see me as damaged and unwanted. It would also be evil to assume that the stranger was beyond help as well.

What about those who have chosen to do things that turn them away from God, or through choice have been promiscuous, or manipulative, or judgmental, or abusive, or controlling, or destructive?

In other words, all of us.

Are any of us any less precious, of any less worth? What is the redemptive power of the Atonement for, if not to heal us from all pain and sin, whether our own or someone else’s? Who did Christ come for, and offer his loving act of oneness, if not for each of us?

I love this quote from Chieko Okazaki about Christ…

“He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and in our grief.”

Healing, and forgiveness, and recovery might take time and effort, but it is there for us all if we will receive it.

Here is one way I honor Heavenly Mother this Mother’s Day. I ask that if any of you hear anyone, anywhere suggest that anyone can become damaged and without value for any reason, please have the courage to say, “Nobody will ever be unwanted by God. There is no healing that is beyond the power of Christ’s Atonement.”

If it is too difficult for you to do that, please find me, or someone who will help you remember that you are precious, and have infinite worth.

And if you ask and listen, your Mother will remind you as well.

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day.

That's Karma with a capital K

I have been thinking about energy lately. Mostly because I don't have much. I don't know if all of my energy is concentrating on healing from a large incision and inner abdominal weed-wacking action, but I have not been able to do much more than walk very short distances, and concentrate on sitting still in the least painful position. This gives me opportunity to think about things such as how little patience I have with this, and about energy.

Even though I don't have much energy, I seem to be surrounded by it. Mike is there to help me walk, bring me caloric sustenance, drive me places. Friends have appeared almost like magic when I have needed help, company, food, prayers, or chocolate. My sisters, daughters, Mom and other loved ones have called or emailed just at the right time. What is the energy that reaches out and nudges us at times?

I am a child of the 60's, and I have heard about karma since I was a child. I liked the idea of there being a type of cosmic energy that flows everywhere, and I can pull more towards me by doing things that create life and love, or I will repel it when I am destructive. It went right along with my very early awareness of God, and the divine connection we all have. I used to think that connection was not physical, but an intangible spiritual one. I have come to see that everything spiritual is also very physical. Something physical happens when we reach out and help each other, when we suddenly think of someone and call them, when we pray or meditate or express thoughts of love and healing for someone, even if we don't know them. Molecules line up, energy flows, healing occurs. The strongest power on Earth. There is no way to explain it. Modern science has not found a way to explain what some people have known for thousands of years. But that is not what modern science is for.

I like the idea of unseen energy particles being influenced by our thoughts and actions. It would be nice to think that the influence can only flow in a positive direction, and I cringe to think of all the times I sent out toxic waste karma particles, creating superfund clean-up sites for myself and others. But I love the power of karma, positive vibes, forgiveness, atonement. When all of my body's energy seems to be needed for physical healing, I am so grateful for molecules that flow over and around me because of others. I promise to let it work magic so I can soon focus my energy outward.

So bring it on - Jennifer with the karma from India, Katherine with the fatted calf in California, Charlotte with the 1000 person service day, Mom with the happy life, spirit siblings with the prayers, books, flowers and yummy food, and most of all, Mike with the healing hands and kisses. Really, I can take it.