Not A Piece of Chewed Gum...and Happy Day to Heavenly Mother

Mother’s Day is coming up. I am fortunate to be able to call, speak with and try to honor several mothers on this day.

My own mother, who is a saint, even though she doesn’t want anyone to help her even in her 80^th year, and that drives me nuts. But I am so grateful for her, who she is, what she teaches me, and that she is such a huge part of my life, and those of countless others.

My mother-in-law, who has always been loving, kind, generous and very accepting of me. I am most grateful to her for her part in raising such a wonderful person as my husband.

And I always think on and send extra communication to my Heavenly Mother. I am grateful that I have been taught, and known of her since teenage years, and sensed her even longer. I have always embraced the part of LDS doctrine, and yes, it has been a part of our doctrine since the early days of the church, that lets us know we come from Heavenly Parents, who are as much a part of each other as a couple can be.

Even though church members are all over the place in our ability to acknowledge and appreciate her as an equal partner with Heavenly Father, I think that has more to do with our own cultural traditions, and is something we need to look beyond in order to receive greater light and knowledge. I especially appreciate actions such as a recent historical survey done by “BYU Studies” that found over 600 references to Heavenly Mother by church leaders. Here is a link if you want to download the survey… https://byustudies.byu.edu/showTitle.aspx?title=8669

I highly recommend it.

I love this part of the introduction…

“Contrary to criticism in some quarters, Church leaders have not relegated this deity to a confined role. Statements from the late 1840s onward show that leaders and influential Latter-day Saints have explored her roles as a fully divine being, a creator of worlds with the Father, a coframer of the plan of salvation, and a concerned and involved parent of her children on earth.”

So I look for ways to honor my Heavenly Mother, especially at this time. This is a tough time for me as a mother. My mother’s heart aches and rejoices as I see my children try to find their way in a world that can be dangerous and painful, as well as wonderful and thrilling and joyful. I have learned from my Heavenly Parents that, no matter how much I love and reach out to my children, no matter how precious they are to me, they are infinitely more precious to Them.

I think every mother goes through a time when she needs to let go of all the ways she imagined her childrens’ lives would look, then acknowledge the ways they are making their own life journey, and love them wherever they are. I have looked to my Heavenly Parents as I learn to do this. 

I imagine how Heavenly Mother’s heart aches when she sees any of us turn away from Her, or doubt ourselves, and how She and Heavenly Father will never give up on reaching out to each of us, and wanting us to return, and that She loves us, no matter where we are on that journey. She loves us now.

So when I read about Elizabeth Smart speaking about why she did not try to run after being kidnapped and repeatedly raped, my mother’s heart ached, and I can only imagine how Heavenly Mother must have felt seeing her daughter Elizabeth struggle with these feelings in the midst of the most horrific circumstances.

Here is a quote from a Salt Lake Tribune article by Peggy Fletcher Stack about Elizabeth Smart…

“Kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart made national headlines this week by saying that she didn’t try to escape from her captors because she felt like a "chewed-up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away."

Having been repeatedly raped, Smart told a Johns Hopkins human-trafficking forum, it was "easy ... to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value. Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value."

She said she had heard the chewed gum analogy from a school teacher. I was fortunate to have never had that kind of object lesson thrown in my face, but I heard similar analogies from many sources – school, church, friends, movies and T.V., advertisements. These need to end.

And the scriptural references that equate virtue with virginity, and suggest that rape or assault can rob you of your virtue are hard to sort into the realm of cultural phrases and ignorance if there isn’t an immediate discussion about it.

Virtue is about personal choice and agency, about our ability to turn towards God, and about being Christlike. No one can rob anyone of that. Do not confuse it, or encourage anyone else to confuse it with the abuse that can occur due to circumstance or the actions of others. Ever.

Here is more from Stack’s article about Elizabeth Smart…

“For Smart, comfort came partly in the form of a "blessing," or healing prayer, by the late LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley, who assured her that she was not responsible for anything that had happened to her when she was being controlled by her captors.

That is in line with LDS teachings, according to church spokeswoman Ruth Todd.

"Victims of rape, incest, or other sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. If you have been a victim of any of these crimes, know that you are innocent and that God loves you," reads a church pamphlet, For the Strength of Youth.”

I am glad Elizabeth was able to receive that comfort, and return to parents who had never stopped searching for her. My heart aches for those who have not found comfort, or loving arms.

I was sexually assaulted by a stranger when I was a child, before I had heard any type of “chewed gum” analogy. I still struggled with feelings of shame. I was also comforted by the unconditional love and acceptance of my parents. And I found comfort and healing in many moments of divine grace over the years. I have come to realize that whatever evil happened at the hands of that stranger, it would be a greater evil for anyone to see me as damaged and unwanted. It would also be evil to assume that the stranger was beyond help as well.

What about those who have chosen to do things that turn them away from God, or through choice have been promiscuous, or manipulative, or judgmental, or abusive, or controlling, or destructive?

In other words, all of us.

Are any of us any less precious, of any less worth? What is the redemptive power of the Atonement for, if not to heal us from all pain and sin, whether our own or someone else’s? Who did Christ come for, and offer his loving act of oneness, if not for each of us?

I love this quote from Chieko Okazaki about Christ…

“He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and in our grief.”

Healing, and forgiveness, and recovery might take time and effort, but it is there for us all if we will receive it.

Here is one way I honor Heavenly Mother this Mother’s Day. I ask that if any of you hear anyone, anywhere suggest that anyone can become damaged and without value for any reason, please have the courage to say, “Nobody will ever be unwanted by God. There is no healing that is beyond the power of Christ’s Atonement.”

If it is too difficult for you to do that, please find me, or someone who will help you remember that you are precious, and have infinite worth.

And if you ask and listen, your Mother will remind you as well.

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day.

Fight Like A Girl!

This is for my friend who just had surgery, a bilateral mastectomy. My 32 year old friend who had to quit nursing her 3 month old baby girl, cold turkey, two weeks ago when she had a biopsy and diagnosis of breast cancer...who will be starting chemotherapy soon, and radiation after that...who has two other young children who are probably wondering why their mom is not the one who has been picking them up from school and friend's houses.
This is for you, dear friend.
You are not alone. Never alone.
Now strap on that pink armor, fellow warrior, and fight.
Fight like a girl!
October will start in a few weeks and with it, Breast Cancer Awareness month. Be prepared to be awash in pink. Let it remind you that you are surrounded by legions who are fighting for themselves or their loved ones.
Trust that you, your husband, your children, your family and friends are stronger than you know.
Many of those helping you are unseen. Let yourself feel their strength and company in times of pain, confusion and despair. The veil is thinner than you might think.
Whatever you are going through, we are with you. And Christ has felt it all. This is all part of the Atonement. Let its healing powers consume you. Let countless prayers being said for you bring you comfort. Miracles might not come the way you expect. Just let them come.
And just in case you need a reminder of what you can do, I am making shirts for your kids to wear.
They will all say the same thing.
"My Mom Fights Like A Girl!"

The Bishop's Wife

That title refers to one of my favorite movies with Cary Grant, David Niven and Loretta Young.
As of today, it also refers to me.
Mike was sustained as the new bishop of our ward today. For those who do not know what language that last sentence is, I will translate some Mormon Speak...
The LDS church is basically divided into congregations called wards, and groups of wards called stakes. Each ward is led by a bishop, his two counselors and his executive secretary. This group is called a bishopric. The stake is led by the stake president and 2 counselors. The LDS church has a lay ministry. That does not mean we spend lots of time napping (although I have seen plenty of nodding off going on during church). It means all of those who serve to meet the needs of the wards and stakes do so without pay.
As I have said many times while serving, "You couldn't pay me enough to do this job. I will only do it out of love." Sometimes the love I am feeling is only for God, and that leads me to want to follow His admonition to "do it unto the least of these". Other times, I know I am one of the least of these, that mercy will come where mercy is offered, and I want to be among those who are willing to serve as well. My formal calling right now is counselor to the president of our women's organization, the Relief Society, which handles education, welfare and service needs.
So we don't have paid jobs in church, we have callings. We receive callings (a request to serve in a particular way) from church leaders, who can receive inspiration through prayer and promptings as to who to call to a position. It is not something that can be lobbied for, or applied to. Well, it can, but that is not a good idea and usually doesn't work. Over the last 6 months, Mike actually had some promptings that this might happen. He tried really hard to apply for another job that would require us to move. He called it "pulling a Jonah". None of his attempts worked out. He just got thrown out of the belly of the whale onto the beach.
After we receive and accept a calling, the congregation is given an opportunity to sustain us by raising their hands to show support.
One of the most difficult, involved callings in the church is that of bishop of a ward. One that compares to it is that of bishop's wife.
A stake president can only call someone to be bishop after they have been approved by the First Presidency of the church. Some suggest that the potential bishop's wife is scrutinized more closely than he is. I doubt it. My years as a hippy during the 60's should have kept Mike out of consideration if that were the case.
While I was consulted extensively, there is no formal calling for me as bishop's wife. No instruction manual at all. That does not necessarily put me at a disadvantage. Mike has several manuals and lots of training available on lds.org. But he still has a deer-in-the-headlights look of "I have no idea how to do this". I get to rely completely on prayer and promptings. He has that... along with all the instructions swirling around in his head.
That's understandable. He is now in charge of the spiritual and welfare needs of everyone (I do mean everyone, Mormon and non-Mormon) within a certain geographic area. Those needs are rarely predictable, or on a schedule, and never at a convenient time. All this while he continues working his regular, more than full time, high stress, I-don't-do-this-out-of-love-I-do-this-for-a-paycheck job.
And the ward is determined by geographic boundaries. We don't go to a church we pick because of who we agree with or are friends with. We go with those in our area, and we learn to love and serve and be served by them. We do it that way because it teaches us how to give and receive love, even when it is not convenient, even when we don't feel like it, and especially because of the miracles that happen that can't possibly be predicted.
So, in a nutshell, Mike's church calling is now to help people find their way home to God, and experience a bit of heaven here while in the trenches of life. I have known Mike for over 28 years, and been married to him just under 28 years. Through those years I have seen him go through hell (sometimes I'm the one who put him through it), and choose to follow Christ out of it. He has chosen to acknowledge his jerkiness and stupidity that all humans have, and learn love and mercy and strength and faith .....and I could go on but I don't want to sound too biased.
He will do a great job as bishop. I don't think he knows how to not do a great job.
Me? I'm still figuring out my job description. I do not need to know any of the details or private information of ward members to know we are all carrying our own burdens. These ward members have been there to share my burdens, and make them lighter. We all need to be reminded that we are never alone, and we are known by name and infinitely precious to God. I can do that.
One of those ward members is my bishop, my husband.
Share the journey, Michael. You are known by name. You are infinitely precious to God. You are never alone.
Don't worry, I'm here to remind you.

He Is Risen. He Is Risen Indeed.

My Easter memories go back as far as my Christmas memories.
Mom and Dad always had Easter baskets out for us, and there was always a hunt for eggs and candy. Mom would help us color the eggs. Being an artist, she would find a way for us to add a personal touch of expression, and we would know the eggs we were finding came from our kitchen. Dad had as much fun hiding the eggs and candy as we had in hunting for them. He would wander around saying things like, "The Easter Bunny was definitely over here," and "I think I smell more chocolate eggs around here."
When we got older, he still liked to hide candy for us to find, but he would make it more challenging. He loved it if the weather was nice enough to go outside. He would put some of the candy in prickly weeds or among the thorny roses. One year we wondered how he got the chocolate eggs up on the roof. I think he wanted to see how creative we would be in order to reach the candy. He seemed to have more fun every year. We provided more entertainment for him than color TV.
There was always an Easter program at church, and sometimes another program that night. I knew the words to the traditional Easter hymns before I knew all the Christmas Hymns, and I loved singing them.
We would always talk about Christ, and the events of the last week of Christ's life. I have an early memory of watching a Hollywood movie about the life of Christ, and it all culminated in His crucifixion. I had already felt the presence of God in my life, and I didn't like this image of someone defeated by mean people. I was heartbroken and inconsolable. Dad held me on his lap, and told me how there was so much more, that the love of Christ was stronger than death, and sadness, and loss. He said we can find joy at Easter time by concentrating on the Atonement and Resurrection. I liked the idea of knowing someone who was stronger than death.
A few years later Dad showed me how there was another way of saying Atonement. At-One-Ment was what Christ did for us in the garden. He felt our sorrows, suffering, pain, our joy, confusion, doubt, fear. By loving us completely, He became one with us. He became us. The presence of God was clearer to me. When I went through some years of doubting myself and everything else, it was easy to doubt that anyone, even a loving God could love me. I still liked Easter - the candy hunts, the family gathering, the story, the music all brought a familiar comfort, but a temporary one.
I have since learned that choosing to turn away from love, especially God's love, is not a joyful life. I now choose a joyful life. Easter is again a celebration of rebirth, forgiveness and repentance, connection, gathering, joy and the power of love over death. I have learned to celebrate it all year.
I will hide candy for anyone who will hunt for it. I loved the Easter Programs I saw last week and last night, and sang in this morning. I love the smell of my carrot cake and the lamb roast we will share with another family today. I love, most of all, offering the greeting Dad taught me years ago - He is risen. And receiving the response...
He is risen indeed.